What is happening....

So this dance friend of mine had a crush on a really good bro of mine. We had a conference with another dance friend, her and me inside to talk about how she should resolve this feeling she has for my bro. Turns out things got nasty after I left the convo to focus on my school work. Things must have turn ugly when i left because after that one no longer picks her phone, the other no longer trust her saying she is totally different from who she is from the start. Now I have a friend who will not trust me and her and another quitting dance. great......

I also realised I'm turning into this person i never thought i would be. Phone is flooded with msges from unwanted girls. I feel downright like a flirt and playboy now, in fact they cling onto me and I feel nowhere near comfortable with them being so touchy like pulling my arms around as though they are so close to me. This is not who or what i want. I want that secure hold with my ex, a true smile and warmth. Not what I as a player now is doing. I DONT WANT TO BE A PLAYER AT ALL. Im only doing this because I should learn to numb myself so I will not get hurt but what is this, its just the first day of them clinging on and I feel the discomfort and disgust. I want back that realy smile and laughter, hugs and kisses and sweet sms, not some desperate looking eyes to keep pulling my clothes. I MISS THAT REAL LOVE.

All this sleepless nights despite my doctors sleeping pills and some anti depression pills. Im caught in a mess now, in life and mentally. I am a downright fucker, asshole and a jinx.

God so i live on just to get caught in this? tell me...