getting numb

im starting to feel numb to real feelings as well i guess. I got really amazing friends but all i do is smile back without emotions, I ignore ppl who care a lot about me but i do appreciate their efforts its just that feeling is not there.

I sent this friend home but i could feel a rebound building up on her but I ignored it as someone this nice to me dont deserve me especially being made use of as a rebound. Went to Alex to have some small chilling session with 2 others before i dozed off from my really tiring life.

Woke up and went Velocity to get my skate stuff for competition before making my way home for a quick brush up and going to school. I practically went school for consultation and sat outside talking to Dorcus, Rick and Leon before leaving for training.

Hais its my good friend Daryl's last session before he goes into the army. Will miss the nonsense we did from skating to our super lame convo and his words or wisdom to help me with my problems everytime. He really cared for me a lot and i know especially when the breakup affected my skating a lot. thanks man ill miss this bro.

I managed to make a pretty nice flow for ym 0.5 while having problems with my 0.8 still. and today the rain and the people are not helping much so yeah.

Today you texted, I didnt know how to react. I was really afraid of doing something stupid and making you hate me more. I feel that you already have a lot of attention from guys and im just an option while i put you as everything for me still. Trying to be happy is just a short term escape as i feel you will never be mine. I asked my friend what she thinks in a girl perspective as she did the same, and she said " Well. I just now told you le you also say it will make you feel that you are xiao qi. its ok if you are doing it as a friend, but just to remind you that her heart for you is already dead. Thats how people are actually. This is no movie we are living in where people we love will love us back." Well she asked me to say no as she feels Ive been made used of. I really hate that feeling of being made use but for soem reason i still hope at least we can be really good friends who wont make use of one another. I still feel the hope and i trust you will not. Will you? after all the attention you get, i doubt you treasure the attention i give exclusively to you.

Like what my friend said what is dead sometimes will never revive. You killed slalom for me and i tried my best to fix it. I still feel its better to run away now. This is going to be my last competition as ive already made a promise. after this i will just stay to what i feel is best.