why i do what i do

im seeing you tomorrow and somehow the excitement no long sinks in like how it used to every years. this pain, sinks in the moment i think about you.

'happy boy today?' makes me sound like im all the time emotional. which i am, even when i try my best to smile. i lied that i had the rest i needed, im just trying my best to connect back with you. i still want you. even after trying to let go. after saying i did. i am so afraid to move on, so afraid to look at a girl in her eyes in case i have a temperamental likeness for her. I got to wait until i fall into friend zone before i could look at them in the eye. im really afraid to have feelings for another. because i know when likeness comes, its either rejection or i come to realise i am still in love with you. still remember 'if you are in love with me all this years, why did you get into other relationships?'

have you ever thought why you would ask me such questions? do i really want to be upset all the time? who made me this way, why did you believe his story back then and look at the pathetic state i am in now. you are really selfish you know that?

I really want the truth, one is telling me you are with im while some says ure not. im in such confusion who to trust. am i really your friend you claim you want to be with in the sms you sent on my birthday, till we are old and grey? i got to carry this pain and burden till my grave? because even what they say, i am feeling it now. im just for you to make use of when you need my help.

i really want to move on, and get with another girl without second thoughts. so tell me am i just a tool, a friend or is it even possible between us. I really cant take it anymore. I really want to end myself. i dont wanna think anymore, i dont wanna feel. my life has lost its path of direction.