Another emotional post again. This time im sure i am. Usually i am emotionally due to tiredness. today is a rare day i didnt lack of dear rest, eye were pretty much okay no eye bags. This depression is surely not to tiredness.
There are up's and down's in life. My life has always been on the down side. I see my future is dim. Relationships numbs my heart. It no longer hurts, went way past that point where all you feel is numbness. You go speechless but say ure alright to the other party everytime to not make them guilty. Top that with a smile to reassure them, while inside thoughts get messed up.
Countless times suicide has been thru my mind. No, never those like people who wants to get attention and do so. ITs for real, in fact i tried it twice, never was a good feeling, yet you do thats the only way o stop this numb feeling. Its would hurt those who care about you, but i rather hurt them now for them to get over with then to actually do it in future where more bonds are forged.
I really dont know if the end of the relationship was good or not. To be honest after i found out this is a relationship i cannot commit as there is no attention i get in return, my heart divert back to her. Everytime i think about her, how to get her or just anything with her. Heart goes numb, mind is a complete blank. I know ill never get her hand. If thats the case, these hands are nothing more then to put a smile on my face. Time to end this numbness. My soul is lost into her and guess its impossible to find it back. All i want is her, thats hard.
If there is a carton of beer now, trust me ill finish it. At least i can feel something. This emptyness no longer makes me feel happy, sad, pain, pleasure. just 2 thigns which are unachieveable, Hate for myself and love for her.
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