5 year. could have been the best, but it is so far the most painful period for myself. The beginning of this 5 year period was great, couldn't stop smiling because we could still talk without borders. Still remembered how i introduced myself to you through sms. How i started liking you. The first time you said yes when i asked you out for a movie, which is also the first time i actually asked a girl out and obviously going out one to one with a girl. It meant a lot to me but i don't know it u did mean any to you. Watched DeathNote and even bumped into my friend which was very embarrassing. Not coz i wasn't proud of being out with you, but coz i felt it was like letting my friends think of the story beauty and the beast. You as the beauty and me as the beast. How we would spend hours talking on the phone till either of our parents got to get us off the phone or the batteries run out. Even when playing O2jam with one another, we would stick to the phone even when we can msg on the game or msn. How i would still stay in the room and play with you tho i lost almost every single game. I even promise to only ask you about being together after graduation because you told everyone u will not get a boyfriend until papers is over, you didnt want to be distracted. I respect that.
After i broke my leg, that was the time everything changed. Had to leave wushu and badminton because of that. And eventually joined drama with Brian who is till now a good friend who used to be an enemy at secondary 1. It has been a passion to act, not because you were there. I even asked Robin who was my back then best friend to come along, a week after i was in drama. That trusted friend eventually told people rumors of me joining because you were there, which proved to be true only after you left. I was ostracized by everyone in drama. But the pain was that u strayed away from me. Still ignorant back then, i didn't care when the others hated me. Didn't listen when they scolded me thinking that the rumor was true. I knew that was not true.
Our phone calls became shorter and soon stopped. You became paranoid i was doing things which made u very uncomfortable. I still am able to feel the shock of hearing Kenneth asking me if i was stalking you as you told him. The hurt i was feeling. Slowly i knew im a discomfort in your life and told myself i should stop doing anything to make things worse. Only defending you after classmates like Jack and Justin started throwing insults about you to provoke me.
Almost a year later after telling myself that, i was still awaiting. Thinking of ways i could be able to talk to you again or even be like how we used to be when i first met you. I could no longer smile not because my best friend back stabbed me, but coz i could no longer see u smile towards me as you would look away the moment u see me. Strayed away like ive done bad to you. And so i lost my laughter and smiles. Even if i did it was never a real smile. It was only to make others feel better as i knew they didn't do anything to hurt you. The first time i actually felt jealous about my classmate because i heard how close you 2 were. Why didn't you tell me about those? I didn't ask because i told myself to trust you.
On the same year, i spent $80 to buy a gift for you on valentines day. Still remembered i told myself i got to starve to get that money and a month later i was overjoyed that i manage to save enough just in time to buy it for you. But how crushed i was when i see the amount of roses and gifts you had during drama. Some were even bigger then my palm sized box. Making mine look like nothing at all. End of the session i wanted to go to you happy valentines day, but i could not do it like how i wish all my other friends and classmates. Outside the school gate u walked the opposite direction with the rest. Knew it was to avoid me but didnt complain.
During my birthday i could still remember that i rushed home right after my test run from F1. I completely ignored my parents who were scolding me for not making the right decisions of celebrating with my family and i told myself this IS the right decision. How i ran in the storm after getting off the bus at TampJC. After you told me you didnt want to meet me downstairs, i got haziqah to go to your place to pass the flowers to you as i find it awkward to stand outside your door with your family inside. I didnt want to put you in a difficult position. That 20 minutes as she went up to pass the flowers to you, i was praying to god the turnout will be good. Or at least change your mind and come down to talk to me. Sitting at those stair felt like hours until you told me to go home and that you cant. It felt so painful that after thanking and sending Haziqah back i broke down in the middle of the road in the rain and kneel there for an hour, only moving aside when a driver horned at me. I wish that the drived would just drive over me, knock me over and kill me coz i knew i failed terribly. Even during my competition i could'nt focused and launch at a timing which was the worse throughout my whole F1 record. I broke down in tears again at my seat and had to be brought out of the place by my team, thinking that i cried because of my failure which was not it.
The year where we have to sit for the most stressful paper. I could remember you sounding jealous after reading the post about me showing slight affection for Michelle, which was just a little side track. I thought that could help me to forget about you and to leave you at peace. However eventually the stress from the papers and you made me give in. I failed in everything. Couldnt really make friends and everyone started hating me saying i step emo. I could not study and failed my prelims. 54 points which is an F9 for every single subject. Justin even said in my face that i will not make it even into an ITE. I knew it really was the end for me. That eventually got me into the hospital after i attempted suicide because i could not take it anymore. I felt like a failure in everything. While u were just mugging hard for the papers.
Graduation came and i got 24 points, only good enough to get me into RP. I felt glad yet upset at the same time because i think that this would really help me in forgetting you, yet i can no longer be there. However TP eventually took me in after calling me over for an interview.
Since the day i stepped into TP i have been hoping to bump into you. Yes i did in the end, but at my friend magic shop. Strike a short conversation before you went to meet your friends. I visited your profile after Nick told me that you were close to a guy who kept commenting on your proflie. Even many people told me you were very close to KK, some even told me you got together with him. A few days later as i was with my cousin at Ehub, i saw u with Jia She. You didnt know we were only 2 seat behind you all and i left the show because i got too upset inside. I felt hopeless after this 2 incidents and was convinced that you would get with either of them.
Soon, i felt i have been bothering you too much and decided to remove you from facebook and deleting everything related to you. That was the worse decision i had made. My mind constantly think of you throughout the month and i knew this would not work. Why is it so hard for me to just be with you.
Ive waited since secondary till we graduated, and even till long after that. i guess its just fate. God please just give me a chance, as i am sincere about her. I now pray all the time to you father. The smile i see when she told me she felt happy seeing that i pray before my meal. Let me make her happy again and again. Never let it end.
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